Learning to Let Go

Last year my oldest child, a daughter, graduated high school. It was a wonderful time of celebration and excitement for our family. She was homeschooled but we homeschoolers know how to throw a party! We had a full graduation ceremony and reception with other homeschoolers and their families and it was a blast. 

But then came August. I’ll never forget the morning that our first-born child left our snug, tiny home to embark on her first year of college across the country.

One word: Tears. Lots and lots of tears. Buckets of them to be exact.  She hugged her twin baby brothers goodbye; one of them teared up and the other did not (not unusual for him!). That wasn’t too bad to witness. But then she went to tell her sister goodbye. That, my friends, was agony. I don’t recall ever seeing my youngest daughter cry that much in her entire life up to that point. I think they stood there and hugged each other for about 15 minutes straight. Talk about wreaking havoc on a mama’s heart. 

We flew her up to Boston, her father, our oldest son, and I.  Remind me to never take a 7am flight again. That was the worst, mainly because we live nearly two hours away from the airport.  We rented a mini-van, because ALL the college stuff, and drove to Walmart on move-in day. We bought everything to outfit her dorm that she needed and even a few decorative things. I haven’t shared this before, but you know how God’s timing is utterly perfect?  Jeremy had received a bonus on that week’s paycheck that covered her dorm outfitting costs to nearly the penny. God is so good and so gracious.

Saturday night, after she’s all moved in, it’s time to say our goodbyes. Can I just say that in 20 plus years of knowing my husband I have never seen that man cry as much as he did saying goodbye to his baby girl? That was something to behold. Next, her brother said goodbye and then it was mama’s turn.  In that moment you experience a myriad of emotions. You wonder if you did your job well. Did I love her well, did I point her to the Lord, did we do this, or did we do that? All of those thoughts wrapped up in every bit of hope and excitement you have for her future.  It was a hot mess, really.

And then I had to let go.

There’s a saying that I came up with a long time ago; “The word “Smother” is only one letter away from the word mother.”  I definitely have had to work on letting go and not smothering from afar this past year. It has been very difficult at times and I am certainly no expert. I’ve only had one kid leave home so there are definitely more moms out there with much more wisdom than I could possibly offer. Maybe I can be of more help after the 4^th and 5^th kiddos leave the nest, lol. But what I can tell you is that there is peace in knowing that this daughter we raised, is moreover, a daughter of the King. She is HIS. And his eye does not leave her. When my eyes can’t see her, His always do. There is such comfort in that. There is a freedom I have kinda stumbled upon, and that is realizing that she now has to own her life. Her decisions, for better or worse, are hers. She has to live with the consequences, however good or bad they may be. She had some rough times her first year away, but she’s also made some very mature and tough decisions as well. In letting her go, I realize it is a gift to let her figure things out on her own. Of course we are there for her when she needs advice and wisdom, but ultimately she knows that she has to be the one to decide what to do. She’s what I call a “Kiddult.” Age-wise, yes a legal adult, but maturity-wise, still very much a kid. I don’t say it to patronize at all. It’s really just the stage of life she and many other 18-19 year olds are in. Old enough to make some life-altering decisions, but not necessarily wise enough to navigate them all alone yet. She’s getting there. Heck, I’m still getting there some days!

She just flew back to school for her sophomore year a couple weeks ago. I can honestly say that I did not shed any tears this time and she only shed a few herself. It’s been a much easier transition this time with her leaving home and I am thankful for that. I’ve been told the second year is better and the homesickness she had last year will be gone, which makes me happy and sad all at the same time. You moms know what I mean. However, this was the task set before us: to raise children that will grow into adults that are confident enough to leave the nest and make a life of their own.  She went to the doctor today for the first time by herself. You know what? She survived, I survived, lol. Imagine that. I wanted to be there with her and to tell the doctor what my diagnosis was (because of course I had already googled it and I just know that I’m right J). She didn’t need me to be with her though, and I’m learning to be ok with that. 

Growing pains, I’m positive, are not just for kids.

          - Felcia